Response Letters 4
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Hello. May I please chat with someone online.
It is apparent to anyone that life can be very complicated at times, but whatever you are going through, keep in mind that others like myself have gone through similar situations and have made been able to make it through.
I wanted to die two times in my life, once when I was in high school with all the pressures of school and problems because of drugs and alcohol. The second time was when my wife left me, and all it seemed I could think about was wishing that the pain would end in both circumstances. I am thankful that I reached out for help like you are doing, you are going to be okay.
A couple of questions for you to think about to get you started on the right path:
- Are you praying to God at all? Have you asked God to forgive you for everything you have done wrong? 1 John 1:8-9
- Are you getting enough sleep at night 7-8 hours each night
- Are you eating healthy?
- Are you getting any exercise?
- Are you avoiding alcohol and drugs?
The first thing I always suggest to anyone who contacts me, it to pray about your situation. Ask God what you need to do.
It says in James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
Whatever you are going through right now, I am not minimizing how badly you feel about it, so please trust me when I tell you.
Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
God knows your pain, so how about doing what it says in 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
May God bless you and keep you safe in His presence. I feel your pain, and I will pray that my advice to you will be of help to you!
My husband and I are Christians he moved out Dec 12, and we have been in communication a little but only via text. Tonight he texted and said he was driving by and wanted to know if I wanted to be intimate with him. After spending 2 hours prior telling me, I’m not a godly wife.
I am glad you have reached out for some help.
- What does your pastor say about your husband moving out?
- Are you talking about getting some counseling soon?
- What is stopping the two of you from forgiving one another?
It sure sounds like some type of broken communication and or misinterpreting what each of you has said, without clearly understanding each other. Of course, you understand that leads to hurt feeling, which leads to angry feelings, which leads to feelings of revenge and bitterness, and attitudes of I am right, and you are wrong that is inevitable.
I strongly suggest each of you, at least you, for now, to take an inventory of your heart to God, and confess all that you have done, said, or thought of to your husband. Hopefully, he can do the same, but in the meantime, you take care of your business with God.
Next time the two of you talk, try to repeat what he just said so that you understood exactly what he meant? (for example, when you thought he said you were an ungodly wife, possibly he might have intended to say that something you said or did was not godly, which could be a possibility since we are all sinners right? None of us are perfect, and we have all fallen short of God’s glory)
My point is that if you backtrack to the point of why your husband left or was asked to leave, you will find a trail of unhealthy communication all along the road — each incident which leads to hurt feeling, angry feeling, feeling of revenge and bitterness pulls you further apart and is not pleasing to God.
You need to let go of the past and start to rebuild, if not you will be divorced before you know it. If you want your marriage to last, you need to take charge and do something about it. Forgiveness is a part of this equation.
Without knowing more about what is going on between the two of you. Seeing things through the eyes of a man, either this might be a way that he is trying to tell you that he still loves you. Or it could be a selfish, self-seeking idea on his part, and I have no way of judging his intentions.
But, if you want your marriage to stay alive, you need to be open to communication and spending time with each other, unless it is not a safe situation for you to be in.
If I were you, I would welcome him over, but before you got intimate, you need to do some talking and soul searching openly with each other.
Maybe he is thinking that he made a mistake by moving out. The Bible does talk about not withholding sexuality from each other unless you both agree that for a short time it would be appropriate. So bottom line, I definitely would entertain the idea for you to be intimate with your husband unless you are in fear of him.
I pray that you will be open to mending your bridges quickly because if not, your marriage will be in jeopardy!!!
Here are a couple of links that might be of help to you.
Here is some homework for you to do this week:
- Pray for your husband each morning and evening and during the day when you can.
- Pray to God to soften both of your heart.
- Confess to God (and your husband also) anything you have done that needs to be forgiven.
- Be willing to forgive whatever your husband has said or done to you. (if we do not forgive others, our Father in heaven will not forgive us)
- Write a letter to your husband to tell him you are sorry for upsetting him and that you forgive him for upsetting you.
This is a lot for you to do, you can either work hard to keep your marriage alive, focus not on what he did to you or said to you, but instead focus on how you are going to get him to want to come back to live with you.
You have a chance right now to save your marriage, if you procrastinate much longer and refuse to go to God for help, you will find yourself divorced and very miserable for a number of years, believe me, I have been through what you are going through, I fought the good fight and did not give up on my marriage, yet my ex got weak and gave up.
I am asking you to be strong and not give up. Do whatever it takes to stay married. Divorce is extremely painful and leaves scars. Take the high road like I did, so that even if your marriage does not work, (which we hope it starts to mend right way), you will know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could do to keep your marriage vows. You can not control your husband, but you can pray for him!!!
Hi, I really need advice on this relationship I am in. I am a Christian I believe in Jesus and I want to know what God is saying is best for my life. I need some advice on my relationship, please.
You have not given me much to advise you on, but I can tell you one thing for sure, is that you ought to pray about it, ask God for wisdom, it says in
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
I hope that what I shared can be an excellent start to resolve things in your relationship.
Counseling question, I live in Sydney Australia do you offer free Christian counseling?
Also, we have these Question/Response pages, that we share our responses to emails that we get.
What about talking with a close friend or pastor at your church? If you are not attending a church right now, you would be wise to look into finding one, I have a tool to find a church, but it might only be in the US, but it is worth looking into. NeedEncouragement.com/find-a-good-church
I hope what I have shared is helpful to you.
Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.
God bless you and may He keep you near to Him daily!
I have a bunch of trauma throughout my life my faith in God keeps me going, but my anxiety and depression always get the rest of me can afford counseling I just need somebody to talk to supportive
I am glad that you are reaching out for help, although I would suggest that you find a church with some church fellowship that would be able to meet your needs. NeedEncouragement.com/find-a-good-church Another thing I strongly suggest that you start praying about your concerns to God and He will start to show you the way that you ought to go. NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
I hope that what I have shared with you will be something that will help you in your situation! Having a church to give you support and encouragement is very important. Keep praying and keep close to God, and I pray that God puts some special people in your life to help to continue to point you to Jesus.
How does one go about forgiving someone who is toxic, but doesn’t wish to be around that person anymore? There is no love, honesty or respect in this relationship. A family member has chosen to judge my children and me. She has made it known her judgments. I feel I can forgive her, but don’t know if I can be around her or expose my children to her as she is not in a place of reconciliation.
She has told me she wants to move forward but has warned me that she will still be sarcastic with me and that I need to thicken my skin. It would be great to move on as this has robbed me of so much time emotionally. You know, I have read all kinds of things on forgiveness, and I think I’m at a place to forgive. Realizing that she has some issues with grief (from a death in the family) and has taken it out on my children and me. I do have compassion for her and feel sorry for her that she is in a bad place. However, I don’t want to expose myself to her. Does that mean I’m not forgiving?
With what you have shared, it reminds me of a scripture from Romans 12:18 “As far as possible as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” I just shared that scripture with my grandson the other day because I know how important it is to be at peace with others.
Maybe taking a break from being around your family member for a while might defuse the emotions that seem to be flying freely.
You may just limit your contact just to text messages, so she doesn’t think you are running from her. Assure her that you are trying to figure out how to resolve things.
He will give you wisdom on how to deal with your family member and protect your children at the same time. If you can think of something that you need to apologize to her for your part in anything, so that might start the healing process, find out what is she upset about specifically or what did you do wrong in her eyes specifically? Admitting your part would most likely defuse the situation. Humbly apologize of any harsh words or anything like you will discover the love in her heart that has been covering up by pain and anger begin to resurface in a good way again.
When we forgive someone, that does not mean we totally forget what they have said or done, but it does put it in the past where it belongs. Then you can proceed to allow the other person to build trust back into the relationship. God’s word says in Matthew 6:15, But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. That scripture alone was enough for me to realize how important forgiveness is.
I will pray for you, and I hope that what I have shared will help your situation!
Hi Good evening,
My name is Blessing and am 23 years old. I am confused, I am dating a guy who has 1-year-old child, he says he and his baby’s mother doesn’t see things the same way anymore and they had broken up before she found out she was pregnant so they decided to keep the baby but they aren’t dating anymore even their families are aware of it. I met him a month before the baby was born.
Am I wrong for dating him as a Christian? My family doesn’t want us together because he has a child, but to me, I feel no one in this world isn’t guiltless, so it isn’t a barrier as long as we are having a plan for a better future. I don’t know what to do about my family and make them understand that so far we are happy and I have never been this happy with anyone like him; with him, I don’t have to pretend to be something else, I can confide him, and he assists me however way he can. Plus opportunity they say to come but once I don’t want to make a mistake to let him go without giving him the benefit of the doubt that he means well for me.
He proposed that we move in together since we stay in the same city and on rent so moving in together we could save cost. What do I do? Am confused, I do love him
Please help me,
It is quite apparent that you are feeling torn in two directions, what your brain is thinking and what your emotions are feeling. I am sorry that this is hard on you to decide, I will give you my opinion and share what God’s word says. My first thought is that you need to start praying about your situation that you are in. NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray
Without knowing more details, it sounds like you are not wrong to want to date your boyfriend, but your parents who are seeing things more objectively are counseling you not to.
You are entertaining the idea of moving in with him which increases the probability to break up or if you get married to be divorced. (living together increase the odds for divorce)
Then try to put your emotions to the side for a minute to and look at it from the perspective of the baby.
1. What does God want you to do in this situation?
2. Are you willing to have a baby that is not yours in your life having to share responsibilities with the mother every other week if that?
3. Do you get along with the mother?
4. How does your boyfriend treat you in general?
5. How does your boyfriend talk about his baby and the babies mother?
You have only been dating less than a year, and it sounds like you are putting your life on hold for him.
If you are having sex with him, my suggestion would be to abstain from sex until he would be willing to marry you.
It is interesting that I have done similar to what you are involved in. Years ago I dated my daughter’s mother, got her pregnant, she broke up with me, life was chaotic.
I am not telling you what to do. You will have to decide for yourself. Re-read what I wrote and think clearly about the questions I asked and comments I made.
But the one thing I will firmly tell you is to NOT move in with him, especially since you are a Christian. Even if you were not a Christian, I would not suggest moving in together.
I will be praying for clarity in your decision, remember whatever you decide will make an effect your life positively or negatively down the road.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
I hope that what I have shared helps give you some food for thought in making a wise choice!
Sometimes I feel like giving up on life I’m too stressed out I messed up in my relationship I feel like nothing is going good for me. Please Please Please help!
There is an expression I would like to share with you that says, “If you keep on doing the same things, you are bound to get the same results.”
- Are you getting enough sleep? Exercise? Eating healthy?
- Do you pray about things like your relationship? NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray
- Do you have a close relationship with God?
- Do you tend to say yes to things when you ought to say no?
If you believe your relationship has potential and you are willing to put effort into it, then that sounds like a good plan, but if your relationship is a toxic one, maybe it is time to move on if you have done all you can do to make it healthy.
I would suggest thinking about my comments, and if you need more help, you can call 800-633-3446 or chat with someone at NeedEncouragement.com/chat
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
I pray that what I have shared will be of help to you! Remember to keep praying!
Hello, I have struggled with alcohol for many years. It would be great if you could point me to find a person that could talk with me and encourage me.
I love the Lord and have been a Christian my whole life. I am having a great desire to be a good wife and mom. I am ready to be free of this. – Rochelle
I am delighted that you are ready! I would suggest that you pray about your situation and ask the Lord for His help. Besides God, there is no magic wand to rid yourself of your alcohol problem. If there were, I would tell you, and I would have used it myself!
Without going into treatment, I would strongly suggest considering the following suggestion that has helped me in my recovery. Figure out what makes sense to you, and what you think would work. Decide what you are going to try, and then give it all you have, trusting that God will help you!
- Pray and keep praying each day
- Get back into your Bible
- Start writing a journal
- Find yourself a good church if you do not have one already
- Rally the troops to help you. Your pastor, best friend, parents, husband, etc.
- Get honest with your husband about your drinking and ask for his help.
- Put a picture of your children in your bathroom mirror to remind you to stay sober.
- Replace drinking for some other activity
- Find an accountability partner
- Find a counselor
- Fill your mind with whatever is good, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, or praiseworthy, think about such things.
- Reward yourself when you have gone three days without drinking (ice cream, etc.)
- Reevaluate your diet
- Get proper sleep
- Get exercise each week
- Drink more water
- Chew gum
- Stay out of bars
- Get all alcohol out of your house
- Avoid all people you have drank with without exception
- Consider going to AA or NA meetings
- Call 800-633-3446
- Visit NeedEncouragement.com/alcohol-and-drugs
- Visit NeedEncouragement.com/my-drug-and-alcohol-problem
- Visit NeedEncouragement.com/accountability-partner
Rochelle, just to inform you… you are in a battle, in other words, you need to know your weapons (God’s word, prayer, fellowship, and the list I made you above, and you need to know your enemy (devil) who is out to kill, steal and destroy your life.
It would help if you were in this effort 100% because any half effort will not be enough to have victory through my experience. I played games with alcohol and drugs for 10, until I got sober and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Give God a try and the suggestions I have shared with you for 60 days, and you will see for yourself that there are hope and victory just around the corner! I have been clean and sober since June 25, 1986, and if I could do it with God’s help, you can too! I am 58 years old, and I do not miss drinking one bit! God even helped me quit smoking since January 10, 1988. All I know is that God loves us and that God is good!
May God bless you and give you the strength you need. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you!
I need advice in a current relationship. I have a really difficult relationship, and I need the advice to confront it, and I want to know what to do. It is complicated to explain through text. We were living together with plans of getting married but now we separated, I believe The Lord wanted us to separate to make this right, but now it’s just hurt because she lives in another state. Marco
Your relationship with your girlfriend I can understand is important to you, and I think the time away from each other can be a good thing for the two of you to clear your minds and get a better perspective.
I hope you guys can talk problems out so you can get beyond the challenges to the solutions.
You are saying that you want to marry your girlfriend. You need to ask yourself some questions, like are her goals in life similar to yours? Are you both believers in Jesus Christ? NeedEncouragement.com/get-right-with-god
Are your values compatible? How long have you been dating, I would hope at least one year because anyone can put their best foot forward for six months or 9 months or even more than a year without any clue that there are any problems.
These are some of the reasons that the divorce rate is so very high. NeedEncouragement.com/divorce Another question for you is, “How is your relationship with, God?” Without an understanding what God’s will is, you are going to have problems maintaining a relationship with your girlfriend.
If you are serious about your relationship with your girlfriend and she seems interested too, then you might want to step back and determine how realistic your relationship is and if you are compatible enough to get married. If I were you, I would take my time and carefully evaluate things and in the meantime keep in touch with her via text messages and phone calls.
I pray that the advice I have given you will be of help to you. Keep praying and seek God for your answers.
This person requested that I did not share her question or what she wrote about concerning a situation with the suicide of her friend, which is very understandable and personal. So I will only share what I have suggested to her to do while keeping her anonymity.
First of all, I am sure it helped you already by writing this out, whenever I put my thoughts on paper it puts them into perspective. Also to I assure you that I will keep what you have shared private and not put it on the internet.
Of course, grief is appropriate when someone you have known has taken their life. My former pastor told me once a long time ago, that feeling grief is so very necessary, yet there is a time when grief needs to be let go of. It has been about six months now for you, and I am thinking that depending on how much pain you are still experiencing, I think you would do well to seek some counsel for at least a short time. I do not know all your details, but six months you ought to be experiencing much healing and life returning to so-called normal, but who am I to say, because God created us all different.
Here are a couple of questions I would like to ask you that I hope will be of help.
- Do you have someone from your church or the pastor able to talk with you one on one at least for a few times, or even more if necessary?
- Have you been praying about this situation specifically?
- Are you taking care of your health, eating correctly, sleeping 7-8 hours a night, getting some exercise, avoiding alcohol and drugs?
- Did you do all you could do to help this young woman?
- Did you do anything to make her situation worse?
- Are you keeping yourself busy, so you do not have too much time to dwell on negative things?
- If you still feel bad, ask yourself “why” I do not see anything you did that was wrong, it is in your head that the devil is trying to steal, kill, and destroy you mentally. Do not fall for the lies of Satan. Cling to God and resist the devil.
It would be easy for me to say that you ought not to worry about this woman’s suicide, you had nothing to do with it. Your compassion seems to have gotten out of balance. Real it back in and continue with your artwork and teaching and get more involved with your relationship with God. Daily reading of your Bible in the morning, memorize some important scriptures, do some journaling, have fellowship with your Christian friends.
Yes, having to deal with what you did, is without a doubt very difficult. But with God all things are possible. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
Grace, I pray that you find the peace that God intends for you to have. Trust in him, and he will show you the way. Also, remember that when you encourage someone (even though you have your own burdens), the encouragement that you give to others will be an encouragement to you. Trust me. It does work that way!!!
If you still need more help, keep praying, keep reading your Bible, keep going to church, keep fellowship with other believers, and if you still need more help, I suggest that you check out a Christian Life Coach that I think highly of, you can watch her videos for free but she does charge a reasonable price for counseling.
God bless you and keep you safe,
Please pray for my husband. He does not love or wants me anymore. Maybe pray for me because I’m the one that can’t get through the pain. We’ve been married 45 years.
I am very sorry to hear about your husband. I can only imagine the pain you are going through after 45 years of marriage. Without knowing more details, my first thought would be to suggest that you do not give up, but rather give this over to God in prayer. NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray I was married for almost ten years, and my wife moved out and divorced me two years later, so I understand to a degree what you are going through. NeedEncouragement.com/chat or you can call 800-633-3446 to talk to someone who is a trained volunteer Christian counselor.
The pain of a marriage that is suffering can be great, yet the reason I did not divorce my ex was that I felt that what God put together, let no one pull apart. That was a consolation that I received for being faithful, even though my marriage was dissolved. Keep in mind that the pain of divorce can be as great or even greater in some cases.
You need to tap into your resources of the friendships that you have that can offer you some support. Even if your husband does not want to get counsel, I would suggest that you go alone to get some professional help. In the meantime, continue to pray and lean on your church and support system to get you through this.
If you could go to your husband and tell him that you are sorry and apologize for anything that you have done, this might soften his heart and make him look at his part in the problems of the marriage. (not that you are admitting things were your fault, but opening the door for forgiveness. NeedEncouragement.com/forgiveness
Take things one day at a time and trust that God still has a plan for you and your marriage, even though it seems your husbands heart has hardened a little, but you do not be the one who pursues a divorce, let it be him if need be, and your conscience will not be as much of a hindrance to you if worse came to worse.
Be strong not to argue with him, but rather show him love with your words and action. In the meantime, keep up things in your life the best you can, your diet, get regular 7-8 hours sleep, exercise, friendships, etc. I pray that whatever got into your husband to so-called not love you anymore, will leave him and he will come to his senses.
Guard your heart and do not give into the negative thinking. Do what you can do to win him back since he is in some type of fog. If he comes back to loving you, that will be great, if not, at least you did all you could do to keep the marriage alive!
I pray for your marriage and peace in your heart. Trust God, and He will sustain you!
Hey, brother Bill its Raven again I don’t know if you remember me but I’m the mom with the drug addiction. I was emailing you bc I recently read in the Bible Hebrews about if you keep willingly sinning that’s publicly shaming God. I’m scared that when I finally get tired of the sin that God won’t take me back, plus I’ve been baptized like 10 times and about 2yrs ago I thought I finally got saved like I realized what it was actually all about, but now I feel I need another new start that gods not done with me. I’ve accidentally drifted from him, so I can only hear bits and pieces of him. I need some serious help without a lot of constructive criticism, I can take it, but I do enough of that for myself every day. Anything you can think to tell me will help, thanks again.
Yes, I do remember you writing to me not too long ago. It is good to hear back from you. I hope my suggestions helped you a little.
The first thing I need to ask you is, have you been praying about this? If you have, that is great, keep up the excellent work. If you have not, then you need to start and be consistent if you want to break your addiction!
As far as the scripture in Hebrews 10:26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sin is left. (I checked my footnotes in my bible) It mentioned that there is no sacrifice for sin left referring to after Jesus Christ. When you (or anyone) rejects Jesus, the person is on their own. I am assuming you did not reject Jesus, but rather your flesh is weak, and you keep falling for temptation. Natural consequences happen when we sin if you have not noticed those consequences already.
You need to find someone to help to keep you accountable, pastor, good friend, counselor, cousin, or whoever God puts in your path to help you. (But someone!!!)
I would suggest you get professional help, even a 30-day rehab treatment would be a step in the right direction, yet all I know for sure is that you need help. What you have done up until now apparently is not working — another thing I can tell you for sure that willpower and self-control will not be the answer. The answer is God and the people God puts into your life to help you.
As far as God turning His back on you, that is not true. It is us that turn our backs on God. I understand your addiction is tough to break, yet keep praying and keep reaching out to others like you have reached out to me.
Here is a phone number to call to talk to someone on the phone 800-633-3446
There is hope, keep searching for it. Set some realistic goals and try to achieve them.
Please start by praying more regularly.
Thank you so much for the info! I hope I don’t bother you when I email you, and yes your right I use to go to “Life Church,” but it was while I was still addicted as I am now. I started to feel looked down on and weak. I went to that church for 2 yrs off and on, more on than off. Mr. Bill I want to ask a question, I feel so lost and can barely hear the lord and I know me, your right I am weak in the flesh and the pain on the inside tears at my heart and I know God feels it too but he’s waiting for me but I am afraid it’s too late for me I don’t know the purpose that God wants for me do you have any outlook on this please and thanks so much for taking the time out to answer me. Oh, and I was wondering where you’re at anyways and do you have a church? I read it all on your website, but I forgot how to get back to it lol. Anyways thanks so much and I’ll probably write back spontaneously if you don’t mind.
I have shared a lot with you, so now please tell me what you think you need to do to get your life back on track?.
I would much like to ask for advice on the situation that I am in…
My boyfriend of three years (James) has become increasingly “emotionally numb” since I moved across the country to him in Northern Virginia six months ago. I love my job at a private high school and am very involved with friends, even though my experience being near James’ family has been painful. We met in college and came from very similar backgrounds (both from families of 8/both faithfully Catholic, etc.). Tension has steadily increased in our relationship since my relocation to where he and his family live. James and I love each other very much and we both desire to “work things out.” Here is why I am reaching out to you:
James’ mother has never had a conversation with me, avoids me, and acts rude and uncomfortable whenever I have been in her presence. His father is quite silent on the matter and tends to be very risk-averse, but separately supports and encourages James. She (Diane) has only discouraged James in our relationship, and she feels betrayed, rejected and “left” since he has been in a serious relationship. She has told him that “he doesn’t know what he is doing,” and that, “she knows women and her judgment should be trusted.” James is her oldest son, and she will admit that she knows that she has a problem and that she tries to change but doesn’t know how. (At this point, I do not think it is likely that she will change.) James lives at home, and I had seen strong indicators of enmeshment within his family since the beginning of our relationship three years ago. For example, currently, Diane has kindly told James that he could bring me home if he wants, but she will leave the house if he is to bring me over. James seems to see this as a sacrificial act of his mother and “the best that she can do right now.” Or, he will ask me not to come to events where his family is present because he “does not want to deal with it.” The enmeshment is subtle, and they all act very kindly to each other. He has admitted that he feels guilty when he is with me and not with this family or has not spent enough time with them recently. I have been watching him live a double life and believing that he can make this work … I truly am not a part of his family life or his home… Our relationship leads to a separate compartment of his life, in the same city. I think that he believes that I have been the “cause” of his increased unhappiness and “emotional numbness” because I am the only thing that has changed in his day to day this past year, causing his disjointed experience. How I see it: James is trying to do the impossible by leading a double life, where I, the woman he loves and wants to be with, am separate from his family life. Space and independence from his family have not seemed to be established, even though he is a successful adult now. It’s an impossible balancing act, where there is no way for him to make everyone happy. In this scenario, I see him believing that he should be happy because he believes he is “doing the right thing” to please everyone. I believe that he is very fearful to “leave his family,” and doesn’t know how to take the steps. Due to that, I believe he will never have a happy and healthy relationship and family with me or any other woman. I do not believe that he is an individual independent adult emotionally. So, all parties have recognized that there is a problem, and my main concern is that James has projected this “problem” or enmeshment onto me.
How can I help this man that I love to start seeing the bigger picture here? How can I love and support him best through this journey?
Answering your questions from a man’s point of view, I think you need just to plan a time to sit down and the two of you talk. Ask him the questions yourself, How can I help this man that I love to start seeing the bigger picture here? How can I love and support him best through this journey?
Here are a few questions to help you think about why your boyfriend’s mother is avoiding you and why things might be affecting your relationship with your boyfriend?
- Have you thought about praying about this situation and reflected on your part of this problem with your boyfriend’s mom and your boyfriend?
- Have you any idea why his mother is keeping her distance from you?
- Have you said or done anything to offend her?
- Does she object that you are dating her son?
- Does she have a problem with your personality or values?
- Are you and James living together? That could be a problem in her eyes if she is a Christian.
- Did you ever think about asking her why she is avoiding you? Or do you think you already know and are not willing to respect her wishes?
- What has your boyfriend told you when you ask him about his mom?
- Has she always been this way?
- When you say working thing out, what does work things out mean to you?
- When Diane admitted she has a problem, what did she say her problem was? Does she want help with her problem?
I read your email over a few times, and the only real solid suggestion to you would be to sit down, and the two of you Diane and you, or the three of you sit down for an hour to start to talk things out.
I asked you the above questions because I thought it would help you reflect on what is going on and to help give you some insights into your problem. I honestly do not have much to offer you in terms of a solution, except that the two of you (you and Diane) and also (you and James), then together the two of you sit down and talk with Diane to hopefully resolve things out or at least come to some agreements after airing things out in the open.
I need to be able to talk to someone that will listen and give me help… Roger
NeedEncouragement.com is set up primarily for the internet only.
My first suggestion to you would be to pray to God about your marriage, anger and how to love yourself. Then after doing that, I suggest that you call 800-633-3446 and talk to someone there, or you can chat by going to NeedEncouragement.com/chat and follow the link to chat.
Sometimes people overlook things such as:
- Getting enough sleep.
- A healthy diet.
- Getting some regular exercise.
- Avoiding stress by not overcommitting your schedule.
- Unconfessed sin.
- Make sure you have a regular prayer life. NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray
I hope these suggestions help you, keep looking to the Lord, for He has the answers!
Tonight my husband and I were knocked down. We discovered that our 14-year-old daughter has been smoking weed, sneaking around, and now she has claimed that she thinks she is bisexual. Then I found out that my 23-year-old daughter told her that she is. Lord, I don’t know what to do. My heart is breaking, and I don’t know what way to turn. Please pray for my husband and me.
It is very wise that you are reaching out and asking for prayer. I encourage you to continue to do this because prayer is your best line of approach. Have you spoken to your pastor about this yet? Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page when dealing with our daughter(s).
I will pray that these thoughts and actions of your 14-year-old daughter are just passing whims she is going through. If you have a close enough relationship with her, I would suggest trying to sit down and hear her side of the story and try to explain that God created man and woman to be together. Explain to her that God has given her free will, yet with that free will she does not have the freedom to the consequences to her actions and disobedience.
Ask your 14-year-old some questions to open discussion. Putting up walls and anger will not be beneficial at this point. For example with marijuana, peer pressure is very significant not to mention the impact of marijuana or other drugs and alcohol.
You need to love her and also set up some boundaries that she ought not to cross without consequences. She is living in your home and needs to follow the rules like not breaking the civil laws such as smoking marijuana.
Or spiritual laws God has implemented such as having to do with homosexuality.
The youth in our culture has elevated things like marijuana, bisexuality, homosexuality, and young people are curious and searching for their own form of truth. Pray of both of your girls and pray for wisdom for yourselves too. Sin comes in many different, and God hates all sin. Try to be patient and understanding with both of your daughters.
Do not allow this to turn into a shouting match, keep calm in the spirit and speak the truth in love. After that, at some point, your hands are going to be tied, and your daughter will make up her own mind. Be sure to continue to love her no matter what she chooses. She needs to know that you love her unconditionally even if she makes the wrong choices in life. I am sure you did not grow up without giving your parents any heartbreaking news either.
Keep praying for both your daughters and love them as God would love them. Put your daughter in an open palm to the Lord and allow Him to work in her heart and her mind. Do not panic, just lean on God a little harder!
May God bless you, and make you and your husband stronger during this time as you put your trust and hope in Him.
My fiance and I are struggling with the idea of sex “outside of marriage”. We firmly believe that Jesus looks to the heart of His people. And if our hearts have made the marriage covenant, they are “married” despite not having an official ceremony. Therefore, sex during engagement is acceptable. Thoughts?
I am glad you have reached out and asked for advice. First of all, you are not alone, this temptation is common to all couples to some degree or another, but what you do with this temptation, will affect your future. You say that you are engaged to be married, then why don’t you wait until you get married?
Dating ought to be a long-term situation to get to know one another, and engagement ought to be a short-term situation after getting to know each other fully. I assume you are planning to be married in spring, in that case, wait the approximately 150 days or less and start your marriage off on the right foot. Have you brought this concern of yours to God? NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray
There are more factors to consider. Do you guys attend church together? If so, what do you think your pastor would say about you wanting to have sex before marriage? Have you guys gone through marital counseling already? Has either one of you been divorced in the past? Are you living together?
With the extremely high divorce rate in the United States, you need to go into all of this with both of your eyes open and not be swept away emotionally with the carrot of sex driving your decisions. Divorce is very painful, something to be avoided at ALL costs! I know what I am saying because I have been divorced. NeedEncouragement.com/my-divorce-hurt
My thoughts are in agreement with God’s thoughts. So, if you want a straight answer to your question, it would be no not to have sex before marriage, for more information, read on.
Yes, Jesus looks at our hearts, but that does not mean he closes His eyes to things that He has established in His teaching.
Do you feel you know him long enough and good enough and trust him enough to be committed to you in all areas of life and visa versa? If so, then you guys ought to talk about getting married sooner. If he wants to have sex before you guys are even married, what would stop him from having sex with someone else once you did get married? Living your life to honor God with integrity and honesty, are so important.
You have mentioned, “We firmly believe that Jesus looks to the heart of His people.” The question I ask you is, “Is your heart wanting to please God or your own flesh?”
I think you know the answer to your own question, and I can not or will not or will not give you counsel to go against God’s word. God has given you both a free will to do what you want, but you do not have the freedom to choose the consequences.
You did not mention if both of you are actively practicing your Christian faith or not. If not, that would be even more important to consider than anything else right now before you get married.
I am sorry that I could not condone your desire to have sex before marriage with your fiance. But I am sure if you bring this to God in prayer, He will give you the strength to be strong and start your marriage off the right way.
I pray that you seek God’s word more clearly and follow His will not our own will. (you recall what happened in the garden when Adam and Eve did what was right in their own eyes instead of obeying God.)
I am interested in the free Christian counseling, if you still have it available.
Good morning Kerry,
Yes, there still is free Christian counseling available on the website. My apology that when you went to NeedEncouragement.com/free-christian-counseling, I am sorry that I did not have it more clear for you to be able to see how to get “Free Chrisitan Counseling.”
Thanks for pointing that out to me. I went to the back end of the site and fixed that for you and others too. Now you will be able to see more clearly. I hope this helps, and the counseling helps also.
I struggle day and day with emotional doubts in myself, and these doubts keep killing me with dark emotional feeling of the past, like a shame that keeps me from being me, and its just a really hard thing to deal with, and as I been looking for answer I came across this person on youtube who said that in doubt I should trust in God, which is Biblically correct also, but I just want advice on like how to best trust in god and have better relationships because now I know that God wants a greater revelation for me. So that’s what I need advice on which I’m going to be praying a lot because its all started with doubts for a whole year now and it has taken so much from my life, and all God wanted to do is to help me and love me, but I just kept. Listening to the dark feeling of depression, anxiety, shame, but I know that in the end god will heal me.
Thank you for reaching out to us, I hope what I share with you will be of help to you. You are not alone. Each human being has some doubts about themselves. Keep in mind who’s the voice you are listening to whether it is God’s voice or Satan’s voice. But it sounds to me as though that you have been focusing on your weaknesses and doubts more than you have been focusing on God and his strength and power and great love for you. Read this scripture below slowly and try to understand what God is trying to tell you.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Like any relationship here on earth, it takes time, energy and effort to make it work. You do not ignore your friends, so then why do we think that we can ignore God and still have a strong relationship with Him? Here are a couple of ideas that I am sure will get you started in having a better relationship with God:
Keep it Simple
- First thing in the morning, pray and thank God for a new day, invite God to direct your day, confess any sin you may be holding on to. NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-pray
- Open your Bible and read at least three to seven short verses in Proverbs to start with (increase your amount of learning as you feel more comfortable in doing so) Read as much as you would like to, be sure to read it slowly so you can understand what it is trying to say to you.
- Eventually begin reading the Gospel of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. (I would suggest beginning with the book of John)
- Write a short paragraph based on what you read and anything else you feel a need to say to God or to ask God.
- Find a Bible-believing church to attend, and find someone who can help you stay on track. NeedEncouragement.com/how-to-find-a-good-church
I hope this is going to be a good start for you to begin to rid yourself of depression, anxiety, shame. Here are three other pages that you might benefit from checking out.
I will be praying that you continue to pray, but when you pray Steve, not only pray but listen to what God is trying to tell you when you pray and also when you read his word. Here is a phone number you can call to talk with someone live 800-633-3446, also here is a link to get started on a chat if you prefer to do that NeedEncouragement.com/chat
Also, take some time to look over our website to see other things that might be helpful to you.
May God continue to bless and keep you near to Him, and make your path more clear to you to follow Him! Don’t give up. Things will get better.
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.