Divorce Hurts As You May Already Know!
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I hate failure, and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since physically or mentally. Lucille Ball
Matthew 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Divorce Hurts But God Heals Us In His Time!
1 Corinthians 7:27 Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.
Divorce Hurts And Takes Time To Heal!
I was once told when I was going through my divorce, “That divorce is the ripping apart of one flesh into two!” Divorce hurts no matter how you slice it!
Everyone is affected, the husband, the wife, the kids, the relatives, the friends, the kid’s friends, workmates, classmates, the church attended, etc.
I got married to my wife May in 1997. At the time, she had a 4-year-old boy named Chris.
My ex and I met at the church through the singles bible study. We had dated for a year before I asked her to marry me, but we did not do much dating alone since she had a little boy we had to keep our eyes on. Chris and I got along great.
I spent a lot of time with him doing things dads do with their kids. May and I did have some time to talk after Chris went to bed before I had to get back to my apartment on the other side of town late each night. But our interest in each other grew just the same.
Divorce Was Allowed By God Due To Hardening Of The Heart!
Better Pre-Marital Counseling Might Have Helped!
We were both about 37 when we got married. It was my first married marriage and her second. It is hard to blend our different lifestyles and to try to raise the same boy in two distinctly different but loving styles.
We had some entirely different ways of looking at the same things in life, and we did not see this and other essential things until our honeymoon.
Yes, marriage is supposed to be until death do us part, but God knew that people’s hearts could harden so He gave us a way out. God hates divorce and by all means should be the very last possible option.
I fought to keep my marriage alive, even though it was excruciating to do, I feared God more than my ex-wife or anyone else! ~ Bill Greguska
Here Are Some Helpful Links:
- Does a wife have to submit to her husband?
- How should parents who are divorcing/separating deal with child custody issues?
- Is remarriage after divorce always adultery?
- Questions about Marriage?
- Why does God hate divorce?
Why Do You Think Marriages End Up In Divorce So Often?
Many other marriages both Christian and non-Christian end up in divorce. I am heartbroken to say that my marriage did not last as my parent’s marriage.
My marriage lasted only about ten years before my wife decided she needed to move out to “find herself.” It would not be fair to put all the blame or responsibility on her because I had my part in the marriage too.
Although I was more than willing to work on keeping us together. Unfortunately, she was not, and she gave up trying. She separated from me for two years then divorced me. Divorce was one of the hardest things I had to go through in my life.
My Step-Son, Ex-Wife, And Myself Before Divorce!
A Big Part Of Our Son’s Life
I raised her son Chris from age 4 through age 14. Being very influential in Chris’s life such as homework, church, and youth group helped coach his basketball teams, etc.
Looking back now, I see that I spent almost more time and energy with him than I did with his mom.
I believe this was partly because his mom and I could not see things eye to eye, this was almost from the time we got married, it was a tough marriage from the start, and looking back, I believe God put us together, but I wonder if we should have gotten married in the first place.
Some of the reasons that I think marriages end prematurely is because as the Bible says that we have grown hardened hearts. People can become selfish, proud, money problems, unfaithfulness, controlling, argumentative, childish just to name a few reasons.
Divorce Hurts, Here Are The Emotional Stages!
Matthew 19:8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
Seeing A Christian Counselor…
We both tried our best to be work out our differences by seeing counselors and talking out our problems. We prayed and kept on trying until she and her son Chris moved out in October of 2005. My ex-said she was stressed out from being married eight years.
She said she needed at least four months apart. She said she had to find herself because her health was not good. I knew inside my heart that she was never coming back, I even told her she was making a mistake.
There were many difficulties to overcome, including my 84-year-old Mom’s failing health, the loss of the job I’d had for ten years building wheelchair ramps, and the alienation of almost all my friends from our old church due to uncomfortable situation of divorce.
I found out later that she got into Elmbrook church’s divorce care while we were still married. That was very upsetting and felt Elmbrook should have had her get in pastoral marriage counseling instead.
When It Rains It Pours
In addition to all the stress I was going through, my dog Ceppi that I had for 14 years. My dog needed to be put to sleep due to old age and poor health. Also, I tore my cartilage in my knee which made being able to work out to deal with the all this stress nearly impossible.
All these things happened to me all at once; it led to a nervous breakdown and depression that I battled with. I felt like Job in the Bible getting attacked by Satan.
With God’s help and support of some good friends, and time, I could crawl out what seemed like a 100-foot hole in the ground. During all this time I went back and forth from anger to sadness.
Trying to deal with all the emotions was tough. I think if both my ex-wife and I would have handled things better like our anger before the sun went down, could have made the difference with our marriage.
Make Plans, But You Can’t Plan The Results
My ex and I took walks when we were dating. We even talked about how we would never get divorced. I used to think that people who got divorced did not have morals or gave up too quickly. In our case, I think we both had some morals. It must have been hard for her because I knew how hard it was for me.
I got on my knees and asked God to help me; he put some specific people in my life. People like Pastor Ron and Sue Sauer, Mark Mallwitz, my mom and a few others to help me carry my cross that I was trying to deal with. Yes, it was hard, but I had faith that God would not leave me to suffer without a way out up under everything, and yes, he was faithful as I expected!
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
What is involved in having real love for someone? Hiding our differences from our son was hard. Sure it must have hurt to see and hear the parents who he loved to argue and differ so much.
Separation and divorce are a tremendous family pain. God did not plan it that way, but through Moses, he allowed it was knowing that people’s hearts get hardened, but God still hates divorce.
I tried to work things out while we were together, but she moved out our talks and counseling with different pastors made no real gains, except for our time with Pastor Ron Sauer and his wife, Sue.
People can easily say that they love one another, but it is a whole different story displaying love to one another through both thick and thin of life. Love is not only a free choice, but it is a commitment and involves sacrifice, forgiveness, trust, respect, and like-mindedness.
Avoid Divorce Because Divorce Hurts!
“…and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one. How should one treat their husband, wife, or child when married?
Why would God with all his power and might choose not to heal marriages? When people want to be healed. It has been said before that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This I do not think could be referring to the institution of marriage.
I heard something more accurate about divorce. It is more like the ripping of raw flesh apart. Not only was I losing a wife, but also a boy who I have a significant influence on his upbringing for ten years. Ultimately the loss of a dream that I had.
I loved and enjoyed being his dad, going fishing, playing basketball, football, baseball, swimming, and going places together. It was a blessing to be able to teach Chris about life and God and integrity.
Also helping him do his homework and all the different activities. We enjoyed laughing and having fun, although respect was always required.
Trying To Raising Our Son In A Godly Way With Different Perspectives
Chris and I worked together on many wheelchair ramps in the summers when he was a little older. Chris used to play with the neighbors when I was working at the job sites. Just like when my dad used to work on fur coats in the basement when I was a kid. Those were good memories with my dad and with Chris. Like my dad would have done anything for me, I would have done the same for Chris.
Looking back, I know that I could have been more patient, loving, understanding, and things might have been better. Although I did my best, it was not good enough for my ex-wife. It takes two people (both the man and the woman) to work together to become one in the way God planned it to be from the beginning.
Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
What do you do when you feel like giving up? From the time my wife moved out in October 2005 until April 2006, my health and outlook on life hit an all-time low that only compared to when I was using drugs and alcohol as a teenager.
I thought I was not going to make it physically, many times and had to call Sue Sauer to encourage me and breathe some life into me through God’s word and promises. Work, while this all was happening, was agonizing, and I could not hold back the tears and grief I was feeling right on the job site at clients home.
I took all my vacation time and sick time and even a leave of absence, but nothing I tried could get me out of this depression. I eventually got help from a doctor through in-patient care before things could get worse. Bill Barry and Ron West, my bosses, have always been excellent to me. We agreed that I could not work the way I was, so I agreed to be let go with three months severance pay.
He was the same man who paid to have my tattoos removed. The three months flew by, and my health was not getting better; if anything it was even worse. I recall hearing an expression once about when you feel like giving up it is like when you are climbing a rope, what you need to do is tie a knot and hang on!
Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?
What do you do when you feel there is no hope at all left? By April of 2006, I was so sick. I’d lost 21 lbs. I wasn’t eating right or sleeping well. I lost a lot of my friends from church and spent more and more time alone. The stress came out in extreme pains in my chest and back, and I had panic attacks.
That’s when my doctor said I had a nervous breakdown, which made a lot of sense to me. I was not even a quarter as strong physically or mentally as the year before when I was working hard, playing basketball with my son and neighbors, lifting weights and feeling overall pretty good for a 45-year-old man. Divorce was the lowest point in my life, yet with God, He can restore the fields that the locusts have eaten. Which in time, He did!
I was very fortunate that God was watching out for me by having my mom for me to look after. That helped me get the focus off my problems and help take care of her and give her the help that she needed.
When things were so difficult for me, I remember conscientiously taking just one day at a time; I tried to eat even though I lost my appetite, I decided to physically at least do some walking.
I was holding on for dear life itself. Being very depressed and I cried very often for no apparent reason, but inside I knew that I was crying because I was so sorrowful and that I had little strength to keep on living the way I was, but I was too scared to try to kill myself. Deep down inside I felt a spark of hope knowing that God loved me and would not allow anything to happen to me without a way up from under it. Which came true!
Statistics Help You Realize That Divorce Hurts!
A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
Where to find comfort when you are down? I have a strong faith in Jesus Christ, God, and the Holy Spirit, but I at times I thought not being alive would be easier than all the physical and extreme emotional pain I was going through. I am so thankful that I trusted God and the people he put into my life to help me.
Every time she and I talked on the phone, it ended in an argument, even though I tried everything to keep peace and the three of us together.
Eventually, my stepson showed that he did not want anything to do with me. He avoided me over the years and ignored letters and phone calls from me to find out later that his girlfriend got pregnant and with that and his mom divorcing me; he had a lot on his plate.
A Lot Was Going On…
Not only my stepson my 21-year-old daughter Sherry just got pregnant and was going through a lot in her life too obviously, and went her way for a while. At times, I still felt my hope and faith were was losing strength. But in Gods time, my stepson and I got back together before he moved to Norway, and my daughter and I also made peace with each other and our personal lives that were both chaotic.
Praise God for peace and love with both my step son and daughter and me. Being away from my daughter and stepson broke my heart. But I found my comfort in the Lord through my Pastor Ron and his wife Sue Sauer, my friends Mark and Lisa, my Bible study, and my Mom was all very, very supportive to me. They encouraged me and pointed me to the answer—faith in the grace and power and wisdom of God.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
What can you do to prevent having a divorce in your marriage? Divorce is preventable when you put your partners needs ahead of your own. A friend told me that divorce was the worst and hardest thing he ever went through. Now I understand what he meant. I know God hates divorce, and now I see why.
It damages families, each person associated with the divorce, and society overall. Maybe single the rest of my life unless the Lord puts the right person into my life, but for now, I need to continue to heal, get my health back, and continue to grow spiritually. I want to learn as much as I can from all the pain that I have been through.
Divorce Is The Ripping Of One Flesh Into Two!
Society makes light of subjects such as divorce and sin in general. No wonder the world is the way it is. Who knows where it is going without the Lord’s intervention in the lives of all of us? Divorce is one of the worst things I have ever gone through. I thank God for walking with me through it. I recommend every one of you who is married to get their lives in line with God and each other before something like this happens to you.
Some ideas to avoid getting a divorce are: You need to treat your partner as more important than yourself, be patient with the way they do things, always love and respect them even if you do not feel right about things, or feel like loving or respecting them.
Always keep your word, be faithful, be willing to do anything for your spouse, enjoy laughter together, encourage each other, play and have fun together, work as though you are teammates, be romantic and thoughtful, pray together and stay together!
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